There are many types of women in this small town we call Seattle. You may not need to look far for one in your own town. They are a very unique and yet dime a dozen group of ladies. Some have a lot of depth and personality while others...weeellll...dont. But there is that one type of girl that one can always stand out and that is a bonafide, artsy fartsy, Seattle belle.
So gentlemens, here is how you can impress a Seattle lady.
First: You will have to change if you want to be with a girl like this. Here, take this quiz with me if you are not sure what I mean:
Do you like ____________
- Black turtleneck sweaters?
- Nature?
- LL Bean?
- Environmentalisim?
- Excessive debt brought on by an excess of items from the Apple store?
- Coffee?
- Small square glasses? (black frames a plus)
- Eating all orgainc or even being a vegan?
- Having friends who look exactly like you?
Do you know who _________ is/are?
- Tegan and Sarah
- Belle and Sebastian
- Michele Gondry
- Broken Social Scene
- Neutral Milk Hotel
Would you ever consider_____________
- Going on a 3 day nature retreat?
- Never watching TV again?
- Never seeing a mainstream movie again?
- Slowly dying inside because you have lost who you are?
- Wearing a scarf?
- Accepting the fact that the only sports you will get to watch again are european football and tennis?
If you answered yes 1-7 times, you are going to have to make some major renovations in your life or find a new love interest. I would start with an LL Bean catolouge and read it at a local coffee shop. Its a good start anyways.
If you answered yes 8-14 times, you have enough qualifacations to pass, but to make things work in the long run you will have to really pick it up and impress her. I would maybe start with bying a hybrid...or better yet, buy a cannodale bike.
If you answered yes 15-20 time, you are a Seattle hipster with enough downtempo spunk and pizazz to nab any crunchy granola lady. So get out there and meet the girl of your daytime meditations.
Where to meet her?
First: Don't look too hard for them online. Don't look on craigslist. Don't look on facebook. Don't look on myspace. You will not find them there. You will be lucky if they even have one. They are mysterious. They are removed from pop culture. They find the best alternative enclaves of society. Which is why you will find that they love twitter.
Go to places we mentioned before. Coffee shops are nice places. Strike up a conversation with them. Ah ah ah! Not with a pick up line. Remember, these are women of class and refinement. Ask them if they have seen the new Michel Gondry movie. It doesn't matter if you haven't. No matter what she says, just say that you thought it was very "human" and it "exemplified the cinematic style that characterizes his unique and bold style". Want to be bold yourself??? Later in the conversation, ask her if she has heard the new Roots album. It will show that you are worldly and are not as afraid of black people as her last love interest (despite the fact that she is terrified of black men).
Not sure which girl in the coffee shop is the best? Just go by the model of macbook. There is a sweetspot though. Brand new aluminum macbook pro's show that she is dominant or she more successful than you. Old powerbooks show signs of being too far behind. Try to get a girl with a nice 13 inch white macbook (especially if she has the white earbuds plugged into it)
Broach the subject of a date very casually but carefully. Don't call it a date. Say something like "hey so there is this new exhibit over at (insert name of downtempo modern art gallery), I have heard its really conceptual. Do you want to go check it out with me sometime?" If she says yes immediately, run. She needs to play hard to get. If she says that she is busy or not really interested in art, that means that she is actually not into you. Go home and leave open ended facebook messages apologizing to nobody about things that nobody cares about.
But if she says not right now but names a specific time and date, you are in my friend. But you aren't out of the woods yet. You need to dazzle her.
What do I do on a first date?The first thing we need to address is transportation. It is polite for you to suggest transportation. Don't leave it open ended. Say that you will pick her up and make sure she knows how you will get there (so she knows how to dress). If you both live close to each other and the gallery, walk. One rule of thumb is to always ALWAYS use the most Eco-friendly transportation. If you have a hybrid car, that's fine. But if its within walk distance, walk. It will give you both a chance to talk longer about each other.
If you drive:
Make sure you have the right music. Put on your music at a low volume. Don't force it on her, but make sure she can hear it. Also put away the beastie boys and the slipknot. You can just put on a mix album which is ok. If choose to do that, here is a safe list of songs to have:
- Commissioning a Symphony in C - Cake
- Gatekeeper (Full Mix) - Feist
- Take Five - The Specials (this will mix things up. She will recognize that it is not typical white people music, but its not threatening enough to make her squeam.)
- Breathe - Telepopmusik
- The Execution of All Things - Rilo Kelly
- 7/4 (Shoreline) - Broken Social Scene
- Rialto - Laura Viers
Remember, its all about setting the right mood. If you are going to be driving through downtown at night, put on that cool lounge downtempo electronica album. If you are driving through your local neighborhood put on that neato Ambulance LTD album you have.
When driving its important to know how to get there. Don't use GPS or, God forbid, mapquest. Study the directions beforehand. You want to make her think you have been to this art gallery before.
If you are walking...
The less things you have, the better. At night, its best only to carry your wallet. Leave the blackberry at home. The only acceptable thing to have is your iPhone if you have one. Try to predict what she will wear and compliment it.
While walking, make small gestures that will impress her. Walk with confidence but match her pace. Keep the hands out of the pockets there guy. Want to score bonus points? If you notice a piece of trash that is very visible on the sidewalk, try to spot a trash can nearby. Then jog ahead and pick it up and throw it out. Time it so she catches up with you when you are done. Don't mention anything. Just pick up the conversation where you left off. WARNING!!! Do not under any circumstance carry a piece of trash too far or put an obvious recyclable in the trash. You will look foolish and overtly fake.
To Be Continued...
